Day 10 - Can you Bill for How Long it Flipping Takes to Submit Applications?

Fresh out of college, my job application process looked something like this:

• Scour job ads in the papers, circling the especially juicy ones
• Spruce up my resume and cover letter and print them out
• Fax or mail as requested
• If a phone call is requested (usually not) I'd follow up that way as well
• Wait, wait and then wait some more for a response, which often did not happen as my information was probably shackled and left in the dungeon with the other dying resumes.

Not the most effective means of applying for jobs, but usually the least time constrictive - maybe an hour or so. And that includes a post office run for stamps.

NOW however, in this great day and age of the Internet, the process to apply ravages the common sentiment that the WWW is much more efficient. For example, today I:

• Located a good job opportunity through an online search
• Hopped over to the Web site to apply
• Registered to be able to apply  (name, contact info, user name, password, etc.)
• Begin the application process by re-entering (as prompted by the system) all the contact information I just entered
• Entered my education into each requested window
• Entered my job experience into each requested window
• Uploaded my resume as requested, a lovely redundancy of what I just entered
• Reviewed resume upload to make sure it is the right file and that the system did not mutate my information to reflect Tom Bundy's. 
• Answered mandatory employment questions such as legal status, etc.
• Answered profiling questions including gender and race
• Reviewed entire submission again
• Clicked submit

Ah! Success! I am done. But ... no ... no ... nooooooo! 

The position you are applying for requires an assessment test. Please answer the following 79 questions. (I kid you not. I am not making this up. I'm not even exaggerating.)

By this point, I'm ready to submit an invoice to the company for taking up a couple of hours of my time. Billed at $X an hour x 2 hours = Give me back my life, you devilish Web site!

After another 35 minutes of answering gibberish such as, "If my supervisor were to rate my abilities, they would rate them as ... " and "True or false: I find cannibalism a fascinating and relaxing hobby," I finally get the glee-inducing answer of "Submitted" back from the site. Followed immediately by, "Oh crap, I can no longer see because I have been squinting at this computer screen for three hours straight." (And don't get me started on the assessment tests. That's five other posts right there.) 

Now, the real question is this: Will this submission go to the virtual dungeon too, perhaps hang out with my resumes from 10 years ago, have some feeble laughs, slowly starve to death?

UPDATE, 2-1-10: On the night of this post (a Sunday no less) I got a message that disproved my theory of resume dungeons. I doubt any pair of human eyes ever saw my submission, but Big Brother, aka the corporate HR automated system, was kind enough to tell me that I wasn't a good fit for the posted job. Ah well, even if they're terminator eyes, at least my resume got in front of someone's eyes.

Day 9 - Wait, Maybe There's Something to the Shut- in Thing

Today was painfully productive - early rising, working out, running errands, crossing things off my list. In short, the exact opposite of yesterday. However, much more expensive due to errands, etc. Maybe I should rethink this whole shut-in thing. It'd be gentler on the wallet. Hmmmm ....

Day 8 - Crap, I'm a Shut In

I spent the entire day today in my lounging clothes (one step above PJs), watching TV and napping. With the exception of a pasta run to the grocery store, my butt was firmly planted on the sofa. This could be my depression stage. Interesting. If so, I am way behind on my stages of grief. I was supposed to knock this off my list by today. 

Ah well. Tomorrow is a new day, as one snobby, spoiled plantation gal once emoted.

PS: I also rented Surrogates tonight. Time to call my shut-in support buddy.

Day 7 - Pulling the Pity Puppy Face

We all have, in one way or another, seen this in action. A colleague asks you what you're up to, you deliver less than stellar news because you mistakenly think they want to know or you need a network to work for you, and then this: [Pause] [Processing] [Pity] then ... "Ohhhh. I'm really sorry to hear that."  [Accompanied by the sad puppy face]

In my case, my lay off got the quadruple whammy tonight within one hour. They mean well but there's only so many "It must be the end of the world for you" looks that I can take. Near the end I was torn between rampaging (oh - there you are anger! Brilliant!) or walking out. 

People mean well. I appreciate that. And I know that I was probably the jackass that did this in my past. BUT instead of jumping to the pity puppy face, next time just ask how someone feels about it. You'd be surprised at the answers.

5 Things I Don't Miss from Work

Five things I don't miss from work:  

1. That jackass that texts through a whole meeting and then pops off questions that have already been answered. Jackass.  

2. The nine people who pass by the half inch of coffee left in the carafe, simply because they don't want to brew a new batch. Take a note from Terrible Terry Tate: If you finish the joe, ya make some more!  

3. The open-mouthed yet slack-witted idjut that likes to overtake each conversation and meeting as if he's an expert. When you start to shudder when someone opens his mouth, that's probably because you're with this guy - the SME/with a degree/that doesn't know what he/is talking about. Although normally very annoying, sometimes the monologues have a gentle soothing quality much like white noise. Not often enough though. 

4. The passive-aggresive smooze that approves your plan, but then throws you under the train when their boss disagrees with what they've already approved. Accountability. It's a timeless quality. Often, a lost art.

5. The following words that were eventually plied (by yahoos) into every document I wrote: leverage, implement, strategy, innovative, industry-leading, engaging, next generation ... I could go on and on. And they were almost alway misused and gibberish.

Anything else I might have missed? Leave a comment.

Day 6 - Breaking Old Habits

How long does it take to break a habit? I drink. I bite my nails. But today, a habit reared its ugly, horned and pimply head and had me reeling. 

Driving to a meeting, I automatically signaled (Yes, I'm the only person in Texas who signals. It's a bad habit. Another bad habit.)  to exit and started drifting over a lane to do so before I caught myself. Yep. It was the exit for my old job. No where near where my meeting was. 

Time for a brain rewire.  My plan of action is thus: Every time I pass my old office I will mentally (and sometimes physically, but stealthily) flip it off. It will force me to rewire and disassociate myself. Let's see if it works. Experimentation begins tomorrow.

As for drinking and nail biting, well, let me work on the work thing first. The others will fall in place as I progress. Or rather, I'll keep drinking but maybe I'll stop the nail biting. 

Love in a Frugal Time - Help me Find a Song

88.7 in Austin played an amazing song today that completely embraces the spirit of being unemployed (unemployedness?). A beautiful, soulful extravaganza, the song describes the love and devotion of a man for his woman -  and how her man shows his appreciation. 

Yep, with McDonald's. 

I kept it together until they started breaking down to "freeeeench frieesssss ... biiiig Maaaaccccc ... maybe an apple piiiiiiieeeee ... " 

Now there are many songs out there about love and McDonald's. I've Googled but I haven't seen the exact same version thus far. A $10 McDonald's gift certificate goes to the person who can point me to the song I have a hankering for. Hey - $10 will buy you a lot at the golden arches. Especially if you keep to the dollar menu. 

Day 5 - Tolerance

Day 5 is all about tolerance. I tested myself several times in order to exercise my patience and my (usually kneejerk) reaction to dumb people and circumstances. 

Test number 1: Go to a Starbucks in the trendy part of town and DO NOT strangle pretentious, pretty people. 

Result: Successful. I arrived for a meeting with a colleague 15 minutes early. I was immediately surrounded by size 0 women and men ranting into their Bluetooths (teeth?). After ordering (an unexpectedly yucky) skinny cinnamon dolce latte, I elbowed between track-suited minions and bleach blondes (not all women) to nab a table outside.  After 2 minutes of dealing, I pulled out my armor (aka my cell phone) and started flipping through e-mails, news stories, texts, etc. So, I kind of cheated BUT no deaths. I reaffirm my rating of "successful."

Test number 2: Wait in line to check out and NOT go ballistic

Result: Again, successful, though it can be argued that I (again) cheated. After 10 minutes of listening to small talk between the customers and the checker (which included a discussion of retirement and item prices), I bolted to the next free line and was peeling out of the parking lot while the talkie Tanyas were just wrapping up. 

Test number 3: Rush hour - Can I survive?

Result: Mixed results. On the plus side, I continued to refine my traffic tolerance as I traipsed (really drove) to a meeting (and arrived only 10 minutes late.) This is important, as my next gig could potentially involve a long commute compared to the 5 mile one I used to enjoy. On the negative side, the spitting and cursing (mine) were a bit much. Note to self: Must work on curbing (some) of that.

Test number 4: The Samsonesque Task: Office Politics 

Result: Mixed - but probably more towards the negative side. You don't have to employed to suffer office politics. When challenged with jockeying, broken-armed back patting and long-winded visions at a volunteer meeting, I felt my soul shrink a couple of inches. My eyelids actually curled into themselves at one point. It's proof that no matter what your employment status is, you'll feel the bullsh*t steam. 

Overall, I'd rate my tolerance as "above average with tendencies to go ape crazy."

The Kubler-Ross Model Update - Anger, Paging Anger. Is There an Anger is the House?

I'm falling dreadfully behind on the five stages of grief (as related to unemployment.) I scheduled myself to be well into anger today, winding up to bargaining by tomorrow afternoon. 

I might have skipped anger and bargaining altogether and gone straight to depression. Hmmm, I did balk at leaving the house today. I noticed that I have shin splints while walking the dog. From my hike on Saturday or old sneakers ... or from lack of use while sitting on the sofa all day Sunday? 

If this continues, I'll have to assign my friends and family to constantly evaluate me for behaviors such as hoarding, shutting myself in and cat collecting. No worries on the overeating - that's normal for me. 

You May Bounce, But Ya Won't Fall

Mom called last night, doing what moms do best. While she listened to me go on and on about my current situation, she simply said, "You have a safety net. We won't let you fall." 

One of these days I *might* be as smart as my mom. Might. 

Day 4 - Paper Death

Today my mailbox yielded not one, not two but THREE envelopes from the TWC.

Item one: Hey, we got your claim. This is how much you'll get in benefits ... IF it goes through.


Item two:  Hey, when you start to get your money, do you want us to withhold taxes?



Item three: Hey, read this 30-page pamphlet to figure out how to get a job.


It's death by paper. I'm being buried alive in paperwork and its only day 4. Calgon, take me away.*


*Note: If you are under the age of 25, you probably have no idea what this references. Unfortunately, my translator Chloe Destini Hailey Dakota is unavailable at the moment. She's heralded as the Gen X Whisperer and devotes herself to translating for Gen Y. For example, in this case, she'd probably go at it like so: IOW, SC RTFM. (She's going to humiliate me for that one.)

Day 3 - God Rested One Day - Why Can't I?

My trash looks like I invited five winos to spend the night - wine bottles, corks and beer caps all fighting for room in the limited space of my (quite generously sized) trashcan. Although it looks like the aftermath of a rowdy invasion of drunken, pizza-crazed wildcatters, it is really the result of hosting a good friend who came into town to console me during this time of transition.

In true reverence for my new cost-conscious life style, we hiked (free), walked the dog (free) and drank (at home, so definitely at a reduced rate vs. a bar.) Pizza orders did double duty - dinner and breakfast.

Consequently, when I awoke today my first inclination was to relax, avoid bright lights and take a day off from the job hunt. You know, a mind flush. Share the couch with the dog and flip through episodes of Hoarders and this decade's equivalent of Matlock, NCIS.

I stuck to this for 35 minutes. Then, as if possessed by Hermione Granger hopped up on meth, I suddenly found myself updating my resume and trolling the job listings. 

But lest you think I am an overachiever, after about an hour I did take a long nap. AND catch up on some of my TV shows. A shower is next on my list. Hmmmm ...

Day 2 - The Kubler-Ross Model

In honor of the Elizabeth Kubler-Ross model, I have declared today "Denial Day." I shall cavort, scamper and frolic in utter and complete (voluntary) denial. 

Accordingly, I shall schedule the remainder of the stages of grief (anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance) to resume on Monday and conclude by Friday. Deadlines are important.

 

Did You Hear that Urban Myth?

A friend of a friend of mine gets unemployment checks but it is totally enough for her to drive a Mercedes and party every night. It's even better than not working! She is banking!

True or False - Question 1

True or false: Unemployment is a joyous time where you can catch up on your hobbies and relax.

Answer: False

Ever hear that saying, "Singing for your bread and butter?" It's all self sale, all the time. Every contact, every event, every e-mail, every Tweet - you are selling yourself. And the chores that map to successful job hunting are tremendous in number - trolling for and attending meetings, expanding your network, updating and enhancing your online properties, scrutinizing and reworking your resume, stalking headhunters, researching for interviews, interviewing and then obsessing over the the interviews, following up ... yep, I could go on. Suffice to say that unemployment lied to me. I thought I'd have more time to kick back, instead I'm scheduled out the wazoo. Durn you, my fanciful misconceptions of unemployment!

Day 1 - Liquor, Job Fairs and Liquor

It's day one of my work liberation (layoff, workforce adjustment, disinvitation, [insert euphemism here]) and inevitably I find myself at Specs.

For those of you who don't know Specs, picture Willie Wonka's Chocolate Factory for liquor. Instead of an edible candy room with a confection waterfall, you have liquor slingers sharing samples of vodka, wine and (if you're really lucky) scotch.

While browsing through the wine and beer, it struck me that a liquor store is the perfect place for a job fair. It's a cost-efficient and tipsy-inducing environment. And it'd make the proceedings a little more interesting. For example: The job fair I went to this morning consisted of a lot of pitching introductions (I could kill the person that invented "elevator speech") and job hunting tips I'm already practicing. Oh - and coffee with brown Equal.

However, if you introduce liquor into you could evolve (devolve?) the proceedings with rants, occasional profanity and shot contests ("Take a shot every time they say 'professional!'" "Ack, I can't keep up!") Those that puke get the job. They then get to parade through the aisles of Chilean and French wines carrying the Pay Stub trophy, gloating, bragging, tripping or (perhaps) flashing passers-by. Everyone else gets a complimentary cab ride home.

Hey, much like good scotch, this idea has fine legs.