Day 47 - Slap the Haunches

Here's a new twist in the job search process: Not an interview, but a meet and greet.

Yes, I have a 15 minute appointment today to meet potential co-workers for a job I've applied for. The recruiter announced that it was "informal" and would last "15 minutes." No resumes allowed! What can you accomplish in 15 minutes? Immediate comradery? Or perhaps a quick chance to evaluate appearance?

It makes me think of a horse auction.

Thanks for coming. We have a team here that will examine your teeth, check your hooves and then lead you around the track once or twice to see your cantor. We also have your medical records too. Whoa, Nellie. Settle down. Settle down, girl. 

Update: It was actually like speed dating. Two other candidates for the job were sitting in the waiting room. HR pulled us all three into the room to roundabout with three different employees/interviewers. Not bad. Actually more interesting than the usual interview. But no, I didn't bring home any digits. Ha!

Day 43 - Is Rio Hungry Like the Wolf?

A friend told me that Simon Le Bon crashed her friend's wedding in Dallas during the Duran Duran reunion tour (Isn't always a friend of a friend?)  And she said it like it was a bad thing.

I am here to say this: Simon Le Bon (or any other 80s pop icon), you are welcome to crash any of my gatherings that you so desire. Pop in, drink the expensive champagne (not the cheap stuff set out for guests), insult a granny or two, grab the mic and start ranting with well-placed f-bombs, perhaps break a table. All of this is perfectly acceptable. Heck, I may even get married if it increases my chances.

I can see the Craig's List ad now.

Need a green card? US citizen/woman looking for husband for quasi-sham wedding ceremony. Must be a nonsmoker open to possible sightings of wrung out pop stars. Perhaps that guy from Cutting Crew.

Nothing Like a Little Motivation

It's too early in the morning to tell if this is a fail or pass, but it does smell a little hinky. Here's a line from an e-mail urging job hunters to band together on a project:

The Germans made POWs build their own prison camps the unintended consequence was that it built a bitchin esprit de corps. Let's start stringing barbed wire!!

Has it turned yet? Is the mayonnaise bad?

Day 42 - How Old is that Tree?

Pet peeve: I hate it when people trade primarily on how long they've been in the industry. (For example: I am more than 10 years of experience in competitive eating. I excel at the consumption of Spam.)

Yes, it can be a helpful tactic that allows recruiters to see right off the bat that you've done your time (or have just been sentenced.) However, if someone can only take one thing away from your conversation, do you want it to be how many rings the tree has? And to be perfectly honest, I've known people with decades of experience who are total idjuts.

To me, it's like earning an MBA. I've known quite a few MBAs and most have not impressed me. There. I said it. If you have an MBA and are offended, please get your Excel files and business plans together and you may hurl them at me during my public stoning. I believe it is scheduled for next Wednesday. Put it on your calendar.

Day 41 - I'll Take Jackass for $2,000, Bob

In the business world, if ya do right then you'll (most likely) get the credit you deserve (providing that some southcheek-kissing fool or VP doesn't try to steal it from you.) However, if you mess up you wear it like a scarlet letter for the rest of your term. Be it big, be it small, you now have a badge of work distinction that as apparent as dandruff, pimples, farts and rogue facial hairs all mushed together.

You are the anti-Superman (or woman if you're fussy about that stuff.)

Here is where my patented idea (in my mind) comes into play. Take a moment and welcome ... the Jackass Pass.

We all make mistakes. Now, there's a principle that dissolves the lingering odor of work failure faster than a fan, Lysol and cheap candles combined. If embraced properly, this idea empowers companies - and their once-in-a-while erring employees - to continue to grow and develop sans stigma. Allow me to illustrate.

Setting: Conference room filled with varying levels of corporate beancounters, bigwigs and marketers. You are presenting.

Potential area of concern: After your presentation, Brad the Blackberry Abuser asks a question - a question that has already been answered in your presentation. Your reaction? "Brad, if you'd get your ass out of your smart phone during a presentation you'd know the answer to that question." (Ok, so that's strong response but let's face it - we've all had those days and sometimes logic doesn't have a say. Besides, you worked your butt off on that presentation. Can't he frickin' pay attention for 15 minutes?)

Assessment: The bad news: You just overstepped the limited boundary of office etiquette. You are in danger of wearing the red S. The good news: Take the Jackass Pass.

Implementation: "Looks like I snapped a bit, Brad. I'm calling in my jackass pass." Reaction from the crowd. "Oh - she took the Jackass Pass. Slate's clean. Let's move on." Now, if this really plays out properly, then Brad the Blackberry Abuser would step up and say, "Yeah, I should have put that BB down. Jackass Pass." And by thus invoking the Jackass Pass, both you and Brad get a clean slate with no grudges, blackmarks and/or flip judgements by the witnesses. (Accountability is a beautiful, fragile notion. Maybe even a dream.)

The Jackass Pass extends to all sizes of screw ups (minus the kinds that screw shareholders and employees on a massive, fraudy level) from dropping the ball to failed launches. The Jackass Pass works 100% - no scarlet S, no hallway whispering, no worries about job security. Simply take the Jackass Pass. 

The Jackass Pass. Because we're all (mostly) human.

Day 39 - According to Studies, Teenagers are Jerks (when you're Jobless)

Being unemployed is tough, right? Stressful, right? Perhaps a little bit boring, right?

Well, if you have a teenager, be prepared for extra stress.  According to an emotional intelligence expert (which you can become after three easy online courses and $500 tuition), immediate family (aka spouse and kiddos)
feel the stress of unemployment by proxy. Here's an article - with the best title ever - that elaborates. 

Trust me. It's worth a click. 

Day 37 - Sleeping Cycle

Both my sisters have children and when challenges arise (think habits such as sleeping, eating, no biting) inevitably comparisons will be drawn to us when we were children. If my mom is not present, usually the conversations between us three sisters reels towards this (Note - don't worry about who said what. The culprit changes every time): 

"You were always picky as an eater. You used to dip fish in ketchup and lick it off."
"You used to ride the hobby horse naked." 
"I was two!"
"Tramp!"
"Mom nearly picked up a rat one time thinking it was one of your gerbils that got out."
"You were the one that dragged me into that empty boy's academy behind the house and we stole school berets!" (Note: Long story.)
"You wet the upper bunk of the camper bed and it rained down on Aunt Kay!"

If my mom is present, she'll graciously allow us to continue on for about 20 minutes before doling out corrections along the lines of, "No, that wasn't you. That was you."

The point of this liturgy is that I never once remember my mom saying that I was a bad sleeper - that is I pretty much went to sleep when I was supposed to go to sleep.

I wonder where that is now, that ease of sleeping. I've allowed my sleeping schedule to gravitate a bit from the norm in an attempt to determine my natural resting pattern. When working, I normally would get to bed around 9, read and have lights out by 9:30 or 10. Before you snark, I would get up at 5 or (if I slept late) 6 the next morning. 

Now, I've moved towards a later bedtime. It could be (gasp) midnight before I'm tired enough to turn the lights out. Problem is, I still have the internal alarm clock that comes crowing at 6 a.m. And it crows loud and long. Hence, for me - this is serious sleep deprivation. While geniuses such as Alfred Einstein, Da Vinci  and that kid down the street your mom always compared you to have bragged that they only need a couple of hours of sleep each night, I need a solid 8 in order to contribute to society in a positive manner. If I mix in a couple of naps (or at least one) maybe I can stay human instead of hulking out. Maybe. Or maybe I'll become a genius. Let's just wait and see.